ROSS A. LAIRD

Conflict is inherent and healthy for organizations and families. Working through conflict is one of the most important (perhaps the most important) social and mentorship skill to possess. Here are a few suggestions for understanding and applying basic principles and strategies for conflict. These strategies are grouped by the depth and complexity of the conflict, from easiest to most difficult.

Phase One (90 percent of all situations)

How to Start
Find a private space to meet. While doing this, pay attention to your own emotions and take a moment to settle down. Breathe, move your body, focus on your center (your 'gut feelings'). Try to be grounded, or as present as you can be. Work toward feeling neutral and open. Be aware of your boundaries. Notice your thoughts and try to slow them down. Try to be aware of your tendency in this kind of situation (fight, flight, freeze, orient) and try not to do it. Do not get angry, or avoid the situation. Stay neutral. Focus on containment, safety, and trust. Voluntarily suspend your judgments, beliefs, and biases (this can be especially difficult to achieve).

What to Notice
The 'vibe' (energy) seems uncomfortable. Body language and eye contact patterns are obvious. You become aware of intensity, discomfort, isolation, etc. Conflict inevitably begins with a series of such small cues early on. Your own own habits of conflict or evasion arise. You have an emotional response to the situation, which typically includes tightening up with anxiety. Notice the signals about safety and trust (body language, verbal cues, action). Notice the reactions of the rest of the group; everyone is involved (especially those who claim not to be). Consider your actions carefully.

What to Do
Deal with the situation as soon as you receive the first cue that something is amiss. Do not wait. It will not go away, or resolve itself without your intervention. Make dedicated time to talk (about 20 minutes). Remind yourself to be open and neutral. Take a couple of deep breaths, then gently ease closer to the issue as the situation begins to feel safe. Focus on the quality of your voice and presence. Do not allow your own feelings to take control. At this stage you are simply listening, being supportive, and letting the person 'steam off.' Your own views have no place yet. Let the other person lead the conversation. Stay loose.

What to Say
Emphasize neutrality and good will:

• How are things going?
• I want to check in with you to see how you're doing with...
• It sounds like you're feeling....
• Tell more about....
• I'm curious about...

Use metaphors. Use feeling words and empathy. Cultivate the charged hm. Let the person steam off (10 minutes, usually less).

Ask if there's more to share. Do this repeatedly, until the person has begun to relax and slow down. When there's no more, ask if the employee would be comfortable with your feedback. Be neutral, empathic, and supportive. Trust and good will are your best assets. Avoid advice. Be proactive. If appropriate, work together on solutions. (Sometimes, just talking about an issue is enough; sometimes just talking is not enough.)

Phase Two (8 percent: a bit trickier)

How to Start
The situation seems more troubled or tense. Your previous conversation seems not to have helped. You (or others) seem to say the wrong thing. The person's activation or resistance rises.

Re-focus on yourself, your own process and reactions. Think of the principle of non-resistance, of flow. Remember that trust and safety are more powerful than authority. And remember also the basic rule of authority: you should never have to use it.

What to Notice
Your own activation begins. You easily lose your own center, and your relationship with the person is therefore compromised. Your voice tightens slightly. You find yourself getting annoyed, anxious, uncertain, frustrated. Notice your tendency, at this stage, to either avoid or punish. Resist both. Think about how hard it is to change.

What to Do
Slow down. Return to your own center, your own feelings. Pay attention to your heart (a good general principle). Take some time for yourself to re-establish a sense of neutrality and support. Avoid judgmental or critical language. Ask yourself if this is just about the person, or also about you. Use the 'Columbo' approach (ask for assistance as a means of shouldering responsibility for the process).

What to Say
Stay collaborative. Use we instead of you:

• I want to check-in...
• I'm curious...
• I wonder about...
• I'm not sure about...
• It seems like we're struggling...
• I wonder if we should...

Take ownership of part of the issue, and ask the same. Use gentle advice (be careful!). At this stage, the preservation of trust and safety is, by far, the most important theme. Good will is the only true asset that you possess; try not to squander it.

Phase Three (2 percent: difficult scenarios)

How to Start
You are stymied, frustrated, and angry. You have the impulse to distance and to punish. The relationship seems to go wrong at every turn. You begin to dislike the person, as do others. The group displays many kinds of adaptive behaviours to avoid the person. In the language of process psychology, the person becomes the shadow carrier. Notice your own reactions. Remember that the person is only partly responsible for the situation (a general rule), and that you are also partly responsible (for not acting sooner, maybe, or for not noticing, or not being responsive enough). When situations descend to phase three, it's always a good idea to take a moment for professional development: what did I miss, how could I have improved, what must I remember?

What to Notice
The relationship feels fraught by resistance and heaviness. You question your own ability and skill. You start to shut down emotionally, and you think of punitive measures. Resentment creeps in. You wonder what others are thinking about the situation.

What to Do
Speak the unspoken. Share your frustration honestly, privately, and with diplomacy. Do not triangulate, or blame, or take advantage of the opportunity to punish. Probably, the person is stuck in a pattern of deep difficulty, and they simply cannot get out. Try to have compassion for their situation, and try to balance this with your own needs and that of your group or family.

Be honest, clear, and direct in your communications. Do your own personal homework. Make a firm verbal contract that meets your needs. Seek appropriate assistance.

What to Say
Be firm and clear. Establish boundaries, but preserve good will (if you can):

• It seems like things are difficult.
• I'm not sure what else to do.
• My impulse is to distance, but I don't want to do that.
• Let's talk about what's happening.
• This is what I need...
• I need your help with this...

Whenever a conflict descends to phase three, it's important to go back and ask yourself what you missed in phase one, so that you can prevent this kind of tension in the future. But even if you do prevent future tensions, recognize that conflict is fundamental to all human relationships. Our ability to deal with interpersonal conflict determines, to a large extent, our success in all relationships.